My Journey.
Where My Story Began.
I started working extremely hard from a very young age. I had this idea that there was this magical point in the future where I would have worked enough and would then finally let myself start living.
By age 30 I had done all the things society had told me would make me successful and happy.
With degrees in both medicine and neuroscience, I was working as an anaesthesiologist, having passed all exams to become a consultant barely dropping a mark. I’d bought a house in London and was in a relationship, with a dog, talking about marriage and children.
The Breakdown.
But instead of happy, I felt completely overwhelmed every second of the day. I began to cut everything out of life that I could, to get more time to keep up. I stopped speaking to friends and family and gave myself 3-4 hours of sleep a night.
This behaviour led to a diagnosis of ADHD. I partly believed the diagnosis, but mainly just wanted the medication. At first it gave me laser sharp focus, but I didn’t realise it had also turned me into a complete robot. I hadn’t seen friends for a long time, but now I became disinterested in my partner too. After a few weeks the increased focus faded, and I soon found myself taking above the maximum dose with caffeine on top just to maintain my previous ‘slow’ pace.
Awareness of my partner returned, and I realised my relationship was really breaking down. Panicked, it became my full time job to try and save it.
The harder I tried the worse things got, until the relationship ended.
This was the start of 2 and a half years of intense depression.
I had felt burnt out at work for a long time, but without the relationship to distract me shifts became unbearable. I often cried on my way to work, and ate my lunch in the toilets to minimise the amount of time I had to pretend I was ok. Despite how low I was, it felt impossible to call in sick. Staffing levels are so low you know your colleagues will really suffer without you - the healthcare system depends on this guilt to keep running.
The Dive Within.
I would not stop, so I was stopped. The roof of my house fell in. Literally.
I finally called and said I couldn’t come into the hospital, little did I know I would never go back.
I was completely exhausted, unable to sleep, and the depression worsened - I had no idea what to do with myself. At least when I was going into work I was helping people. Now what was the point in me?
I started desperately researching how to feel better.
All the medical system could offer me was medications to numb and sedate me. Something inside me knew that this wasn't the way, so I found my own.
First was properly supporting my circadian health and metabolism - things you might expect to be on the medical school curriculum. I came off the ADHD medication and caffeine. I started getting up for sunrise and cold plunging every morning, eating breakfast rather than skipping, eating only organic whole foods, getting outside as much as possible in the day and turning off all artificial lights after sunset. A couple of weeks later I was sleeping through most of the night.
Then what really helped was helping others again.
In my desperation to get well I had consumed an incredible amount of research on sleep, nutrition, circadian health, quantum biology, nervous system alignment and emotional health and was now passionate about spreading this information that I believe everyone should know. Starting to help others in this way was the first relief I got from the way I was feeling.
However my life had quickly turned into a protocol.
All my energy went into ordering and taking tests, supplements, tinctures, new skincare, haircare, cleaning products, cookware, a water filter, an air filter, mold testing. I was too exhuasted to see friends, and couldn’t deal with washing dishes or even loading the dishwasher so I put them in the fridge. I had been having weekly talking therapy, but felt like I was just looping over and over the same issues with nothing actually changing.
I didn’t realise it at the time, but I wasn’t actually addressing the cause of what was going on. I was still living in survival mode 24/7, and had 30 years of suppressed emotion held in my body. Both obsessing over optimising the physical aspects of my health, and trying to analyse my depression with my mind gave me the illusion I was getting somewhere - when in fact I was completely stuck.
This routine went on for months until I couldn’t stand it anymore, something had to change, and I somehow found myself on a flight to a jungle beach town in Costa Rica that completely changed the way I thought about everything.
The Turning Point.
I realised:
My life didn’t have to be the way society told me. All the rules were made up to keep people in fear and survival - and therefore easier to control. I had been in a constant state of fight or flight my whole life that was making me sick
Not having a menstrual cycle since I was 18 was a sign of significant dysregulation in my body and life force energy. A sign of being disconnected from my body, my intuition and my power.
The root cause of physical disease has a very large contribution from a feeling that is suppressed in the body, that is stored as stuck energy that if left like this for years manifests in the physical body as a chronic disease.
Our bodies are far more intelligent than any pharmaceutical
Symptoms are information that our body is trying to communicate with us
We can get information from our bodies and we have deep inner innate wisdom
We are all born spiritual with spiritual awareness but it is educated out of us.
We are souls that have chosen to incarnate into human bodies to be able to experience the exact range of human experience that is required to grow and transcend the conditioning we have come here to transcend.
We are all guided, supported and held by the universe/source. There is a bigger plan.
Everything that is happening is happening for us.
The Other Side.
I began working with the emotions stored in my body.
I started working regularly with incredible practitioners at accessing and allowing myself to feel the emotions that I had been suppressing my whole life. I experienced what it was like to live in community, and made deep friendships. After 2 years something shifted. I started to experience safety in my body and I got my period for the first time in 14 years.
I then noticed a rapid increase in my capacity to do things in the world.
I felt excited and ready to serve in a deeper, more aligned way, which is how this work was born.
I realise now that the depression was the best thing to ever happen to me. It was the necessary precursor to waking up.